Not all consequences are created equal.Thanks to the hard work of behavioral theorists, clinicians, and scientists, we now know that some consequences are better than others.
Some consequences are an excellent way to create structure and help kids understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Other consequences have the potential to do more harm than good. As a parent, having a good understanding of what consequences to use and how to use them can make all the difference. |
Consequences that ReinforceWhen a child does not comply with a request made by their caregiver or parent, such as dawdling instead of picking up their toys or putting on their shoes, for example - out of frustration, a parent may complete the task for the child, instead of holding the demand on the child. Because, let's face it, sometimes it's easier to just do it ourselves instead of fighting with our children. However, when we complete these tasks for our children, we are actually increasing the likelihood that the child will not comply next time - because we are ultimately teaching them that if they don't want to do something, all they have to do is throw a fit or dawdle long enough and someone will do it for them.
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Giving Negative AttentionChildren value attention from the important adults in their life. They value this attention so much so, that ANY attention - positive or negative - is better than no attention at all. Negative attention, such as raising your voice or spanking, actually increases unacceptable behavior over time. Also, responding to behaviors with criticism or yelling, adversely affects children's self-esteem.
Delayed ConsequencesThe most effective consequences are IMMEDIATE. Every moment that passes after a behavior, your child is less likely to link his or her behavior to the consequence. It becomes punishing for the sake of punishing, and it's much less likely to actually change the behavior.
Disproportionate ConsequencesUnderstandably, sometimes parents get very frustrated with their children's behavior. At times, they may get so frustrated that they overreact. A consequence from overreacting, such as yelling or spanking, can be demoralizing for children and may lead to children giving up on even trying to behave appropriately.
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Positive Attention for Positive BehaviorGiving your child positive reinforcement for acceptable behaviors helps maintain the behavior. Positive attention enhances the quality of your relationship with your child, helps to improve children's self-esteem, and feels good for everyone involved.
Actively IgnoringActive ignoring should be used only with minor misbehaviors - not aggressive or destructive behaviors. Active ignoring involves the deliberate withdrawal of attention when a child starts to misbehave. As you ignore a minor misbehavior, you are waiting for positive behaviors to resume. You want to provide your child with positive attention AS SOON AS the positive behaviors start. By withholding your attention until you see positive behaviors, you are teaching your child what behavior gets you to respond.
Reward MenusRewards are a tangible way to give children positive feedback for desired behaviors. A reward is something a child earns - an acknowledgement that the child is doing something that's difficult for him or her. Rewards are most effective as motivators when the child can choose from a variety of things (e.g., extra iPad time, a special treat, etc.). This offers the child a sense of control and reduces the possibility of a reward losing its appeal over time. Rewards should be linked to specific behaviors and always delivered consistently.
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